The Inadequacies of Life
by littlestkitten
Summary: Set after Ganjyu is injured in his fight with Byakuya. Hanatarou thinks on how he's failed at saving Rukia and goes to heal Ganjyu in his cell. Ganjyu/Hanatarou


Author: Littlestkitten (saratu on lj)

Title: The Inadequacies of Life

Fandom: Bleach

Pairing: Ganjyu/Hanatarou

Rating: PG-13 to play it safe

Word Count: 1,265

Notes: This was supposed to be for yuusuani with the prompt of Hana's reaction to Ganjyu being taken away after chapter 115. It went a little weird on me. It's been a while since I've seen that part of the anime and I haven't gotten to it in the manga yet so this may deviate quite a bit. I can't for the life of me remember what happened to Hana so we're going to pretend he was imprisoned. I was going to look this up but my muse seized me and made me write before I did that. Sorry for any inaccuracies and for the giant angst fest this thing turned out to be.

It was his fault. Hanatarou knew this with certainty and couldn't help but berate himself every time he had a spare moment to think. Which was often considering the circumstances. If he hadn't been so stupid, so incompetent and useless. If he wasn't so weak. Shinigami weren't supposed to be weak, they were supposed to strong and capable. They were supposed to protect the souls who needed and relied on them. But Hanatarou couldn't so that. He had tried. Tried so hard to get past his inherent weakness but it hadn't been enough. It was never enough. In the end, Ganjyu-san had been forced to step in and save him, getting injured in the process. And while Ganjyu-san lay there in his own blood, lay there _dying_, all Hanatarou had been able to do was stand there. Too cowed by Kuchiki-taichou's reiatsu to even think about moving. To even think about rushing to the large man doing the only thing he was capable of. And if he couldn't even do that, then what was the point of him even being here?

A failure. He was a failure who had messed up the only important thing he'd ever been asked to do in his life. He'd failed the one person who he had promised to protect. Made Kurosaki-san, who shouldn't even be up walking let alone fighting, come to his rescue. He'd put Rukia-san in danger as well as the two men who had burst unexpectedly into his life.

And it wasn't like he had many people willing to act friendly toward him. He couldn't go around failing people all the time or he'd truly be alone. And being alone was one of the things he feared even more than death. Even more than the strong Shinigami who were willing to attack him if he made even the slightest mistake or inconvenienced them in any way. And yet he was forced to be alone again, forced to watch the people he cared about being injured and know that he had no power to stop it. In the end, it would be Kurosaki-san who would save Rukia-san. Hanatarou had been stupid to try and play hero.

* * *

Later, as he sat in confinement after being taken away, after Rukia-san was taken back to her cold cell, he couldn't help but feel a deep sense of frustration well up in him. He needed to be with Ganjyu-san, or at least Kurosaki-san, healing their injuries. His ability to heal was the only un-worthless thing he could do and if he wasn't even allowed that, then what was the point in him even being alive? So, Hanatarou did the second bravest thing he'd ever done in his life. He snuck out of his cell.

The Fourth Division was by necessity rather accomplished in kidou spells. They relied heavily on these spells in order to heal their patients and you didn't make it as far as seventh seat without being especially good in that particular Shinigami art. Breaking out of the cell felt almost routine. The same feeling of power rushing to the surface, the same feeling as it strained against the bonds he used to form into something manageable, something useful. Kidou spells may be vastly different and have many varieties but they all started out the same, and that was a comfort Hanatarou was grateful for.

He was even more grateful when he managed to reach Ganjyu-san's cell undetected. As far as escapes went, Hanatarou's had been rather disappointedly uneventful. Not that he'd wanted to be caught. But when you steel yourself to have to out-run and out-smart half of Seireitei it was a bit anti-climatic to only have passed one guard who hadn't even looked twice at him. And to think they were in a crisis. He would have berated the guard if he hadn't been hoping to not draw attention to himself. And if he hadn't been rather afraid of most of his colleagues.

It was easy enough to get into the room Ganjyu-san was being kept in. Even easier to sneak quietly to the cot he assumed the large man was sleeping on. Not quite so easy to stop himself from screaming when he realized the man sleeping in this particular cot was not Ganjyu-san but someone he'd never seen before. Someone who was looking right at him and reaching one giant hand for him.

Hanatarou spent the next few minutes thinking up all the ways this man could crush him with just one hand until he realized that there was no pain. No blacking out from being strangled or something similar. In fact the man was sitting on his cot looking quizzical as if Hanatarou were some strange creature he'd never seen the likes of before. They stared at each other before Hanatarou managed to muster the courage to ask where Ganjyu-san was. He flinched back when a large hand was raised but soon relaxed when he realized it was simply pointing toward another cot in the room that Hanatarou had failed to notice upon entering. Mumbling his thanks he quickly moved to the second cot and quickly got to work.

Ganjyu-san's injuries were partially healed and already bandaged. It wouldn't do for a prisoner to die before he could be questioned after all. But this healing was only preliminary and Hanatarou figured the larger man must still be in a bit of pain. He worked quietly, hoping not to wake the man up. After all, he'd loudly professed to hate Shinigami and just because someone was your ally in one fight, didn't mean they would be after. The amount of information Hanatarou had about this man was woefully small he'd hate to die because he had tried to help the enemy. Unohana-taichou would be very disappointed he was sure, and he hated to disappoint the woman who was like a second mother to him.

As much as he wished he could lose himself in healing for the next long while, his self-imposed task soon came to an end. He would help the other ryoka as well, might as well do something well if he was going to do it at all. But before he did that he wanted to spend some more time with Ganjyu-san. Even asleep the man had an oddly calming effect on Hanatarou. He had felt safe, protected, around the other man. Even when Kuchiki-taichou had been there Hanatarou hadn't been as scared as he normally would have been, knowing that Ganjyu-san would be there to help him. For the first time in a long time the overwhelming sense of anxiety had left him and he wanted to hold on to that feeling as long as possible.

So of course he had to go and ruin that calm inside of him by kissing Ganjyu-san. Had to make it worse by stroking his hair after he had pulled back. Now he could never look the man in the eyes again, not after having stolen this from him. Hanatarou scampered up and went to heal the giant in the corner. Luckily Ganjyu-san was still asleep and would never know of Hanatarou's transgression. And maybe they could still be friends after this whole thing was over.

* * *

Stupid kid, Ganjyu thought as he slowly rolled over onto his other side. Always doing such stupid stuff. He coulda least woken him up before kissin' him. Not like he woulda bit him or anything. Next time, Ganjyu decided, he wouldn't let the kid run away without at least reciprocating a little.


End file.
